I have never written a blog so to start with I must apologise for people who will get bored by my layout. The lack of pictures along with the whole load of spelling mistakes.
I want to introduce myself first. So to start with I used to be a nice young boy. I would call my life perfect without many problems. Very loving family, dog, friends and happiness. I moved to UK in 2006. I really was excited to move out of my home country cause it was a big change and I didn’t really think about the sacrifices I was making at the time. I came to UK without much pressure, I actually liked coming to new environment of secondary school where I was the stranger with a massive language problem. People called me gay which I didn’t really take that much notice of as I was thinking I am just different anyway. Now I think I would not like to be anything else than gay. During the time in school I gained weight along with not making many friends. I made few very good friends that I actually think I grew up with as they were all Polish. It was not a conscious decision.. it was just that not many others wanted to be friends.
Year 2011 came along and it was around the second year of college. I have started to notice I in fact gay. A lot of things clarified for me when I actually thought “I like this guy”. I had a problem as my self esteem was very low. I was still a bit over-weight. I decided to go on a diet to loose some fat. I did this along with running etc.
This diet at first was all okay I was still eating meat along with other products and I was still enjoying my life. I call food products as to me they all seem quite dull now. My weight kept dropping slowly as fat reduction was slowing down as my weight dropped down. I have slowly realised that I was hungry and I was not eating much I replaced a lot of my food with coffee with milk. I realise now that I was actually already lacking in energy by that time. It was getting near the end of college. People gave me positive feedback about my look so it did reinforce me into thinking I am doing something right. I realised that I was actually starting to put on a persona about being happy and positive all the time. As much as I want to say I was happy I am not really sure if I was. Having gone for a 3rd year in a different college, then I have cut out a lot of my food and I started to replace my meals with just raw vegetables such as: cauliflower or broccoli. I began my obsessive reading about nutrition, metabolism and all other food facts. I kept on eating my breakfast. For 4 years everyday now I think I had porridge made with water. Its a ritual that I always do porridge and I can get very upset if I don’t have a chance to do it my way. I went on holiday to Jamaica for a week and I had no choice but to eat fruit for my breakfast everyday. I am now a vegan... who makes thick chocolate custard I let it set. I eat the skin that is formed at the top and I throw away the rest. I think I had a very bad stage in my life where I actually had began loosing nails due to lack of nutrition and stress from not eating. I was going to bed hungry and thinking about waking up and having the porridge (mostly water). My hair loss was very prominent. My mood was so cranky and actually it still is very bad but I learned not to show it. I used to get so defensive about people being worried about me. I don’t think I had one day since 3-4 years where I actually enjoyed anything I ate. Now, I feel less guilty as I go to the gym and I burn off my watery porridge along with the skin from the custard. I drink a lot of herbal and green teas to detoxify. I do a lot of crazy water detoxes to get rid of possible chemicals in my body. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t actually drink any thing that has sugar in, I don’t go out and I don’t do very much. I eat less than 15 products. I don’t have the patience and the stamina to face the challenge to have a drink or to go out and waste my sleep. On the outside I am the most vain person I know. The most scary thing is that I think me going to the gym has increased my weight due to muscle growth. I think I could write a whole book just on my routines to stay skinny. I feel scared to wear skinny jeans in case they feel tight. Water retention in my legs is another thing that scares me. I am writing it all down just to tell people that I am not lazy and selfish person who does not do much. I don’t want anyone to fall into my trap of living with an eating disorder that controls your head and your life more than you realise. I would not want to seem like a victim. I make the choice so I am not a victim
